la ilegitimidad de lo negro, el tabú de la ira y la prohibición del dolor estético

IRA

estoy harta. odio, odio a la totalidad del los gilipollas del universo. les escupiría en la cara. maldigo al imbécil que me robó la bicicleta el 24 de diciembre frente a can vies. maldigo al que me la robó esta noche frente a mi casa. les deseo mal, que se quiebren todos los asquerosos huesos de su cuerpo en un accidente y que nadie les ayude. odio los protocolos, la buena conducta, la corrección. reviento de ira, he hecho un corte en mi cráneo para que emerja esta lava roja que me quema los ojos cuando cae y escupo como estalactitas de baba inmunda cuando hablo. y mientras odio al mundo entero, entonces también me odio a mí. porque la maldita humanidad la llevo dentro y quizás con tanta ira soy más perro rabioso que humano y así me redimo un poco, o me saco sus absurdos gestos de encima. las manchas que me provoca.
anoche, en la última sesión de mi festival favorito de todos los que se hacen en barcelona, the influencers (ni el sónar ni el primavera sound), habló wafaa bilal. nos enseñó su trabajo situado en su cuerpo de iraquí, y planteó entre muchas otras cosas inmensamente inspiradoras, la relación entre el placer estético y el dolor estético. me quedé absorta. el arte siempre te está hablando de placer estético, de la experiencia estética como si esta tuviera que estar necesariamente vinculada a algo placentero, bello y bonito (en su versión más imbécil). yo ya estoy harta.
estoy harta del tabú de lo doloroso, de lo malo, de la rabia, de lo negro. si fuéramos pura alegría y bienestar seríamos unxs putxs autómatas. no way. yo soy mi odio y mi amor, yo sólo amo porque odio y sólo tengo placer porque me duelo toda entera y cada día. no soy ni masoquista ni hedonista, pero no me hace falta, mi rabia, mi odio y mi dolor lo tengo igualmente, igual como cargo con mi alegría, mi amor y mi placer.
estoy harta de tener que responder siempre a la pregunta de cómo estás diciendo bien, y más allá de los estúpidos protocolos de los que también estoy harta, me refiero a que decir mal es exponerme a que mi interlocutor tenga que sentirse obligado a persuadirme. nadie puede estar mal en esta cultura de mierda, nadie puede tener mala cara, tenemos que ser todas felices como la publicidad del ikea o del corte inglés. tenemos que estar todas drogadas de felicidad y mientras más felices mayor es nuestro triunfo, así pareciera ser. ¿pero a mí quién me tiene que convencer de que mi vida es una fortuna y de que recojo éxito por doquier? ¿acaso creéis que no lo sé? ¿acaso estar enojada no es compatible con tener motivos para, en otro momento o al mismo tiempo, estar satisfecha? ¿por qué no puedo decir que estoy fatal? ¿cuál es el eje de estabilidad que te rompo si te digo que estoy pésimo, mal, que vivo la desgracia y que siento dolor? ¿cuál es la publicidad que me cargo con mi inconformismo, la estructura precaria de la alegría que se hace trizas cuando digo el monosílabo «mal»? ¿acaso tu alegría es la mía? ¿acaso has estado toda tu vida feliz? ¿existe algo así más acá de la foto fija que promociona yogures con bífidus activo?
estoy muy enojada, estoy furiosa, me duele el ojete por el que durante toda esta mañana de domingo (con un estupendo sol iluminando a las familias que pasean en su día de descanso) he estado expulsando un montón de mierda putrefacta que tengo dentro, y claro, de mierda tampoco debería hablar, aunque estuviera reventando, aunque la mierda me estuviera rajando el ano.
es que esta cultura de mierda basada en el binarismo ¡no es ni siquiera consecuente! es que placer y dolor es uno más de sus binarismos y nos han robado una mitad ¡a punta de ibuprofeno!
ya está. estoy un poco más vacía.

28 thoughts on “la ilegitimidad de lo negro, el tabú de la ira y la prohibición del dolor estético

  1. la puta verdad, tan a menudo me pasa parecido, por que además cuando uno está mal no lo elige, es por cosas que nos pasan, muchas veces inexperadas y externas, casi siempre, como la realidad nos agrede. y es como si eso fuera culpa de uno, «si estás mal es por tu culpa», pero se está mal habiendo a su vez conquistado otras cosas, pero se está mal por que se necesita también estar mal de vez en cuando para entender ciertas cosas, y además hay algo trágico e inevitable en la vida, que no hay por qué ponerse dramáticos, pero eso está ahí y a veces nos extrangula y todo es negro.
    y uno responde que estoy bien, para no tener que dar más explicaciones, cuando a menudo en mi caso, ni se como estoy, ni localizar el motivo de mis emociones…

  2. El placer y el dolor tienen un abanico inmenso en medio. es ese medio lo que no está permitido. nos incitan a la felicidad y al placer para que parezca que todo va bien, nos enseñan el supremo mal y el dolor para enseñarnos a alejarnos de ello. todo lo que queda en media, las divinas mezcolanzas, los pupurrís emocionales, los matices, son para lxs locxs, lxs neurótixs, lxs bipolares…

    excelente forma de expresar la rabia la tuya.

    beso
    DIana

  3. me gusta mucho como escribes, lo que dices, la fuerza con la que lo dices, que te salgas de madre y que te salga tan bien.

  4. no sabes lo que me has ayudado hoy. Gracias, lucy.
    Mil besos

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