de amor propio

mama

que ha pasado mucho tiempo, este blog parece un despojo, un abandono informático, algo obsoleto quizás. es que como el blog no es terapia, ni trabajo, ni demasiada diversión según qué esté pasando, ni un estrato amable de descontrol («siempre justifica el texto»), ni una red, ni difusión cultural, ni prácticas poliamorosas, ni un pase libre a las drogas y al rockandroll ¿para qué coño sirve un blog?
pero no es de sinsentido que se alimenta el abandono, no. alteridades, visitas, devoluciones, revelaciones amargas, memoria. varias cosas han sido las que han dejado este espacio un poco así.
vino mi madre, en alguna parte lo dije y lo he comentado. vino mi (quisiera decir santa, pero prefiero decir estupenda) madre que a pesar de renegar de este blog ha comenzado a leerlo como modo de comprender algunos de mis estados emocionales más profundos, aquellos que le son insondables, prohibidos por mi intimidad que se abre como una almeja en vapor en este blog, a veces, no olvidéis que la mayoría es ficción, o para que suene más elegante, performance, performatividad escritural
con mi madre hemos madurado (ya era hora), ella de 60 y pico años, yo de 30 y tantos, ya estamos hechas, derechas, encorvadas, con pelo blanco, perdiendo pelo o adquiriendo más de lo que era imaginable. hemos madurado, ahora en lugar de permanecer días en el odio que produce la diferencia, apuramos el trance del desagrado, sintonizamos el afecto, respiramos y cambiamos de tema. algo nos susurra al oído que si nos vemos en promedio algo como medio día al mes (15 días al año, que si descontamos lo que se duerme, vamos, quedan como 6 horas al mes, 1 hora y media por semana, unos 4 minutos al día, y todo comprimido en una sesión con frecuencia bianual…) pues es mejor echarle ganas que descontento.
con mi madre tenemos una relación de intimidad inusitada. hemos estado durmiendo juntas prácticamente cada día, haciendo cucharita (yahoo answers explica lo que es eso de forma muy heteronormada aquí), preparándonos el desayuno, haciéndonos tratamientos de cuidado cuerpo a cuerpo, intercambiando bragas. que me he enterado que no es tan habitual esto de la intimidad con la madre, a pesar de que es la dueña del primer coño que vi, toqué y chupé, no es habitual.
hemos acabado bastante enamoradas, contentas de conocernos, de estar cosidas con hilos de fuego y carne, de tener las manos del mismo tamaño, de compartir memoria y pasado, contentas de aceptación. obviamente todo tiene sus rugosidades y su amargura, hay a veces tristezas que percibo muy a lo lejos, en una capa que está mucho más abajo de las plenamente visibles. son como pequeños tumores benignos (no cancerígenos) que te dan ganas de disolver pero que están enquistados porque toda relación tiene sus paradigmas de lo horroroso o de lo sencillamente penoso, y es así, un asunto muy carnal o de cirugía inconducente. luego si se liman las asperezas se produce una fomedad.
no sé si esta relación podría suceder fuera del marco madre-hija, a mí me gusta pensar que sí (y digo esto a pesar de un trauma infantil que tengo con ella porque sobre los 8 años le planteé que nuestra relación era como de amigas, ante lo cual me respondió que no, de ninguna manera, que ella era mi mamá y punto. entonces le pregunté si podíamos ser conocidas y nunca más olvidé el desagravio), aunque más que relación estuve pensando en un tipo de afecto, a partir de la observación del nuestro propio, que se parece un poco al que describe žižek en este fragmento de video del documental examined life, donde también aparece el gallina de toni negri y santa butler.
žižek habla de la misma manera desagradable en que lo hace siempre: escupiendo cuando marca la letra «t», con arrogancia e impudicia, con todo su nihilismo cartesiano, ultramaterialista. el hombre pronuncia tan mal el inglés que le entiendo absolutamente todo. y a pesar de ser tan mediático, de producirme vergüenza ajena, me cae muy bien. igual es porque sólo veo sus videos…
el fragmento de examined life está más centrado en una crítica al ecologismo que a otra cosa, pero esto en cierto punto se vincula al amor, al falso amor o a algo así. un amor por el mundo basado en todo lo que es la negación de su «estado del arte», de su condición, de nuestro efecto en él. fucking ecologistas, biomänschen y negacionistas de la podredumbre, aquí les va žižek, con amor:

77 thoughts on “de amor propio

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