deporte, cuerpo, gimnasio y mi desamor por las endorfinas

lo más insólito que me ha pasado en el último tiempo es el gimnasio.
un ataque de rabia almacenada durante más tiempo de lo que es recomendable me llevó a un estado de suma fragilidad, donde hube de interrumpir incluso trayectos producto de la ira que frente a mis ojos ponía lágrimas, y en mis manos, tensión.
nunca pensé que mi autopreservación me llevaría a una resolución tan saludable, aunque su salubridad ya es algo que en sí mismo me parece desconfiable.
el deporte, eso tan incómodo…
siempre fui una niña vinculada a las humanidades. entre los 8 y los 10 años tuve una estable carrera política siendo reelegida presidenta de curso por más de 5 períodos consecutivos. a los 14 años publicaron un texto mío en el periódico de mayor circulación nacional. digamos que el deporte no nos venía bien en la familia, mis padres estudiaron durante casi 15 años en la universidad (que no acabaran la carrera es un detalle que otro día explicaré), y se nos daban mejor las discusiones de sobremesa que salir a jugar con el cuerpo. mi padre hasta el día de hoy no sabe nadar. durante los últimos 3 años de educación escolar estuve exhimida del ramo de educación física a través de un certificado médico expedido por una siquiatra amiga. certificaba que hacer deporte en ese contexto me producía una angustia incontrolable y que lo mejor era dejarme tranquila y sentada, leyendo. como no tenía problema de calificaciones, y la asignatura de deportes era, por decir lo menos algo suntuario, nadie dijo nada. seguí manteniendo buenas notas a fuerza de intuición (no recuerdo haberme sentado jamás en casa a estudiar), fumaba porros todo el día y me dejaba llevar por mis impulsos que en el colegio alternativo en el que estaba se valoraban como «capacidad de opinión». hacía fanzines, escribía poesía, fumaba los cigarrillos más baratos del mercado (que como un chiste de mal gusto se llamaban «life») y como mucho iba a yoga o a clases de danzas tropicales (sic). nunca me gustó el deporte. ni ante las súplicas del entrenador de volleyball que veía en mí un cimiente para el equipo. lo intelectual además se me quitó al rato, a los 16 me gustaban las raves. mi cuerpo reventaba, la adolescencia me impuso un par de tetas que no cabían en las camisetas, mi cuerpo tenía sus proporciones, la carne, como la de toda adolescente, estaba dura, compacta. comía helado cada día, desayunaba avena, una mezcla entre lolita y yegua. el entrenador de volley me declaró que se había pasado la fruta y en esa época, o un poco antes, comencé a andar en bicicleta. creo que ese ha sido el único aparato con el que he congeniado mover el cuerpo, en vistas de su utilidad. y el sexo, cuya frecuencia se incrementaba con el paso de los años, haciendo pausas con las relaciones estables (de más de un año).
mi relación con el deporte en realidad nunca sucedió. minada por la ideología, siempre me pareció que su práctica se basaba en la competencia y que por ello era algo deleznable. mis áreas de combate no serían nunca una cancha de fútbol o un campo de golf. me negaba al pantalón de buzo, prefería las ligas del lenguaje, las medias de encaje, el autostop.
parecíame algo superficial, carente de sentido, una pérdida total de tiempo. lo mismo con el deporte como modo de mantener el cuerpo sesgado a una proporción. siempre me supe desproporcionada, desaforada, excesiva.
hice un par de intentos con la piscina. en general tras períodos de crisis, al acabar la carrera por ejemplo. ingresaba a la pileta de cloro con menos entusiasmo que el de un funcionario, era más una súplica, un mandato, una especie de práctica que corroboraba el sinsentido general que tiene toda la existencia tras haber acabado 4 años de dedicación a un tema, en mi caso, la irracionalidad artística, un absurdo.

es que hay que superar los 30 años, como si fuese una carrera de obstáculos vital, para encontrarse con eso de lo que hablan. o no. o aprender a repetirlo, a repetir las cosas que dicen aquellos que hablan. dopamina, adrenalina, endorfinas. ciencia y alarde.
desde hace 15 días que voy al gimnasio a diario. es una terapia, de shock. no practico una rutina específica, pero me he divertido más con las máquinas de ejercicio aeróbico. que con el agua (he acabado usando sólo el hidromasaje a modo de gratificación).
he de decir que el gimnasio es un lugar absolutamente individualista e incómodo. ya es incómodo estar sudadx, rojo y al borde de la asfixia si no es en el contexto de un buen polvo, pero estar rodeadx de gente en la misma situación y sin vinculación alguna, resulta casi inaceptable. es absurdo también tener que pagar por ir, siendo que cada persona que asiste produce una enorme cantidad de revoluciones por minuto evidentemente aprovechables para la producción energética. no es justo que los ríos y las minas tengan que producir esa cantidad desmesurada de energía que necesitamos para encender todos nuestros aparatos. no es justo que haya que cargarse la naturaleza salvaje a cambio de alimentar un teléfono o encender una lavadora. no es justo que las miles de revoluciones por minuto que he producido en 15 días se vayan a tomar por culo y sólo sea yo quien pueda aprovecharlas a modo de endorfina. que me gustaría poder además cargar el router y el ordenata, no es mucho pedir. pero no sucede lo lógico en ese espacio de amaestramiento corporal, y pagamos cuotas (no muy altas) para el dispendio energético general. tampoco es de extrañarse, ya tenemos hábito, en esta cultura pagamos por gastar, gastamos para ser pobres y trabajamos para pagar nuestra pobreza.
otro aspecto que me resulta bastante inaceptable es el hecho de la nula sociabilización. lo digo porque sé cuánto cuesta aglomerar personas con un fin común. no entiendo por qué no se practica el movimiento a través del juego, de la interacción. en el gimnasio cada unx está con su máquina y quizás una prótesis auditiva extra, para amenizar. es cierto que a ratos me falta el aire y hablar no es precisamente lo que más me gustaría hacer, pero sin duda preferiría levantar a una persona que a un montón de metal con un número impreso, actividades lúdicas me hacen falta. preferiría fabricar chapas que dejar mi fuerza desperdigada por ese suelo limpiado por un ecuatoriano que mira con rabia cada una de las máquinas, preferiría hacer mil cosas con mi fuerza y mi energía y mis revoluciones por minuto. preferiría. por cierto, la palabra gimnasio viene del griego «desnudez».

(debo reconocer que ahora sí percibo los efectos de la agitación sostenida, una hiperkinesia un poco extraña, quizás manifiesta como impaciencia y sosegamiento a la vez, un poco de descontrol con la musculatura, con la actividad, mucha sed, alegría general, restitución energética, abolición del cansancio y la apatía, pero nada muy concreto. sensación de normalidad a ratos, de reencuentro, yo creo que es testosterona y nada más).

140 thoughts on “deporte, cuerpo, gimnasio y mi desamor por las endorfinas

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