como que se acaba el año, y ahora sí que estoy con la regla perturbándome el bajo vientre, pero no tanto, sólo lo suficiente como para sentirse viva y mayor. más canas, las rodillas a veces me suenan cuando me agacho, el brazo atrofiado por el ratón, corta de vista. quizás es que no debo bajar la guardia, no es que cambie algo con el envejecimiento, son lxs otrxs lxs que cambian su percepción de ti. es más facil no responder a ningún patrón a los 20 que a los 30, a los 30 que a los 40, y so on, so on.
hay que acostumbrarse a poner 13 en lugar de 12, hay que acostumbrarse a hacerse vieja, hay que acostumbrarse a todo hasta que la muerte llegue a una, acostumbrarse incluso a que hagan contigo abono o cenizas. la muerte será el grado 0 del acostumbramiento. y yo que estaba ilusionada con el fin del mundo, así, de golpe, sin acostumbramiento ni nada. estaba dispuesta a vivir sin luz, a ver los ordenadores y los teléfonos como cacharros inoperantes, a no gastar tiempo encendiendo (o apagando) algo. quería la incertidumbre de no saber quién estaba vivx o muertx, quería buscar debajo de los escombros un charco de agua sucia y radioactiva para no morir de sed, quería olvidar lo que es el frío, quería olvidar lo que es la sed. quería no haber aprendido nunca lo que es un cuerpo o un papel. sin abstracciones, el fin del mundo hubiese sido lo mejor que nos podría haber pasado. y no sucedió. nos dejó con la fiesta montada y un montón de resaca al día siguiente (lo mismo que sucederá mañana), nos dejó con unos espacios llenos de olor a tabaco y cerveza podrida. nos dejó aprendidos, expertas en lucha de clases, en patriarcado, para seguir dando la brasa, para seguir contra las agujas del reloj, reventando una que otra corrección. tan educadas estamos que ya tenemos hábito. el clasismo nos parece normal, anestesiadas incorrompibles, la vieja escuela.
entonces como el día nos pilla anarquistas menstruales y ácratas totales con aberración, prosigo el fin con las mismas palabras que pronunció la seispisos el año pasado: «les deseo lo peor (porque lo peor soy yo)».
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