habitar la herida


no pillaba el avión. el vuelo salía a las 9. no pillaba el avión porque eran ya las 9 y estaba a más de una hora de distancia del aeropuerto. como siempre en este tipo de sueños, mi madre intentaba ayudarme. pero cuando la situación ya era insalvable.
a veces me apetece hacer otro video. a veces me apetece no hacer nada, o sólo un helado.
siempre me decías, cuando no estaba convencida (en absoluto) de mi deseo de escandalizar, que seguramente yo estaba muy contenta con el orden de las cosas. con el orden imperante, con el fucking orden imperante de las cosas. me decías, justo antes de decirme, tú tan mona, seguramente estás a gusto.
la manos aplastando la archilla con palitos contra el muro. los palitos se me clavan en la herida abierta, y dentro mío se produce una guerra entre las bacterias y el poder de mi mente que intenta expulsarlas de la herida o al menos, dejarlas convivir en su interior de manera inofensiva. en realidad mi herida no es un lugar cómodo para las bacterias, a nadie le gusta habitar la herida ¿o sí?
me pregunto qué soñé esta noche, antes de lo del aeropuerto. perder un agosto no es una expresión que aparezca en el diccionario aunque semánticamente sea factible, y fonéticamente del todo probable.
tú me hablas por un chat. tú hablas solo por el chat. desde que me di cuenta de que me habías violado, así, suave, con cariño, así, suave, mientras dormía, así, como si nada en un hotel de mala muerte que habías pagado íntegramente tú. desde que leí ese artículo en una revista feminista y me di cuenta que eras mi violador no te he vuelto a hablar, y no sé si debería hacerlo. aunque tú sigas hablándome por chats vacíos cada vez que estoy roja, verde o amarilla, me hablas porque seguramente ahora eres tú el que aún no sabe que es mi violador. y aquí, como en los sueños en los que no cojo el avión porque no llego, se me presenta un problema de gestión no inminente.
los relatos sobre sexo de tracey emin suenan tan bien, infiero que es porque son en inglés. hay tantas cosas que suenan mejor en inglés… rape, hunger, rage. sobre todo rage, que se parece tanto a rape. incluso sex. hay una distancia elegante, cuando la elegancia es la voz de todos y no la use nadie, digamos, porcentualmente hablando. y ella y su adolescencia, y nosotras y la nuestra. y varios litros de semen entremedio perdidos en una arqueología fisiológica de la que no se ocupará nadie, jamás. y tracey emin sin tener que preocuparse del copyright, y nuestra juventud transcrita en cuadernos con papel de mala calidad. infiero que somos de la misma clase de putón, aquellos que ponen la estocada tras la boca torcida y jugosa.
y tengo hambre todo el tiempo.
creo que me mal interpretas cuando hablo. crees que quiero competir con una chica a la que en realidad me apetecería follar. el problema es el mismo de siempre y emerge bajo el rótulo de esencialismo. en esos momentos nuestra película se ve en blanco y negro y me hundo en una tristeza que sólo puedo calmar engullendo miles de torrents, tragando millones de kilobytes, tragar por mi ojo, y un par de gif’s animados. sé reconocer cuando las voces salen de un ordenador portátil, y me tranquiliza.

33 thoughts on “habitar la herida

  1. En realidad, en algún sentido, y no quiero ser yo la que te suelte la frase de siempre, estamos contentas. Porque si todo lo que denuncias tiene algún sentido, ése es muy importante para ti, y casualmente para mí, y sin la realidad pisando los talones hablar de ello no tendría sentido. Me temo que siempre habrá deseos constituidos, identidades carcelarias, y precisamente por eso podremos escaparnos de vez en cuando y respirar fuerte, jadear más bien.

    Me encanta cómo escribes, es algo así como corriente de conciencia pero con ordenación inherente, las cosas salen como si no estuvieran pensadas pero constituyen una unidad muy significativa.

    PD: pedazo festival al que fuiste.

    Saludos, Mamen

  2. muchas gracias por tu feedback mamen!
    la verdad es que muchas veces escribo sin pensar mucho, aunque después lo lea un par de veces antes de publicarlo. y aunque todo sea una ficción, no es que siempre las ficciones sean premeditadas. un abrazo!

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