los hedores de la locuacidad

por hablar de más, demasiado, por esa infinita belleza que me asusta, por el pozo ciego de mi amor que es droga, porque soy una yonqui y los coletazos de la abstinencia -tal como el clítoris- se agrandan a medida que pasan los años. por 4 rayas. por hablar mucho, de más, demasiado. hablar de todo, hablar profuso, hablar esperando recibir de la propia boca los pensamientos articulados. ver como el pensamiento se articula en la boca y luego, luego duele la cabeza, o el hígado, o el corazón, o si queremos ser más dramáticas, el alma. porque el alma no existe. porque el camino que trazan las ideas encadenadas de forma frenética y aleatoria me abruma. porque a veces creo que me he enamorado de mí, de tanto escucharme y luego, luego me aburro de mi amor efímero, de estos sentimientos que no sirven para engrandecer el alma. y si el alma no existe no se puede ser tan reaccionaria. por hablar demasiado, autómata, es que emergen articulaciones indeseables, y la imagen que me devuelvo no es sugestiva, ya no es la infinita belleza, sino un espejo roto que incita a la desfiguración total. porque sólo entiendo lo que digo pasadas unas cuantas horas, y entonces ya no es el momento de abrir la boca, la boca lleva entonces horas abierta y mastica desfiguración. he de llamarme abuso, he de llamarme torpeza, he de llamarme infanticidio, he de llamarme como una obstinación que me da azotes en la cabeza, en la boca ensangrentada y supurante de desgracia. esos azotes que no me ha dado nadie por juego, esos azotes que tengo que buscar en las cadenas rocosas de mi memoria para salir trasquilada como una pobre oveja seca (desechada incluso por la industria farmacéutica como cobaya). por hablar demasiado, por no jurar amor eterno sino inmediato, por jurar tantas veces que ya se vuelve insustancial, increíble e inútil. porque ya no seduzco a nadie, ni a mí misma, ni a las horas perdidas en persecuciones imaginarias, en análisis pobres o baratos o de rebajas, toda esta información que regalo porque en el fondo temo que no valga nada. porque hablo, hablo y hablo. porque la verborrea siempre me pareció patológica. porque de pequeña siempre me dieron a entender que cualquier cosa que dijera resultaría interesante, y más infanticidio, más engaño, más incremento, añadido el exceso, más especulación. porque no recuerdo nada y si lo recuerdo no importa. porque lo recuerdo todo, y lo comento todo, como si el mundo no fuera ya una realidad en sí misma, como si el mundo necesitara de mis tediosas notas al pie aclarando una lectura arbitraria de una realidad que ya es tendenciosa. porque mis notas al pie no le interesan a nadie y no sé por qué siempre alguien las escucha (???). porque las notas al pie apenas las anuncio y ya son tan abundantes que no tengo tiempo de transcribirlas. mi labia perdida en el fondo de un saco roto: mucho humo, demasiado tabaco, ruido. por no saber si se está manipulando o aludiendo a la honestidad más intachable. porque esta forma de hablar es desenfreno sexual, y el desenfreno sexual está muy bien en las películas, pero no en una serie de comentarios a la realidad bajo formato de mera locuacidad. porque estoy cansada de ser un libro abierto, estoy cansada de esta honestidad que roza con demasiada frecuencia la oligofrenia. porque no hay estrategia de infantilización más burda que aludir a una belleza desmesurada, y porque el elogio de una belleza insaciable también es charlatanería. porque he sido demasiado glotona con las palabras, porque he sido repugnante, porque he engordado con los supuestos del pequeño larousse (1989). porque resulto inverosímil y excesiva. porque ya nadie puede en estos tiempos seguir drogándose con amor. porque, maldita sea, cada vez produzco más endorfinas y ya no tengo recursos para costearlas. porque he desconfiado tanto de mi deseo que he aniquilado lo escaso que de él quedaba. porque todo lo que queda está adulterado. porque al parecer ya no queda nada. sólo las marcas en mis brazos tras repetidas inyecciones.

27 thoughts on “los hedores de la locuacidad

  1. leerte suma al vértigo, rompes el silencio que separa, como inseminado de rizoma rodeado de un filo que pregunta y pregunta no sé qué campo semántico o lejanía, que se clava y vuelve
    pasar por aquí es perder una tierra.

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